One never knows what each new day will bring. Case in point: today at the office, chatting about today’s opening of Jurassic World, KQED Arts writer and editor Emma Silvers let it slip that the sound of her breathing can be heard in the original 1993 film Jurassic Park.

This is not a fact that is easily ignored, so I DMed her furiously about it for the rest of the day.

Emma! So, wait, you were really in Jurassic Park?

Well, kind of! The sound of me hyperventilating was. Just in a couple scenes, there’s probably less than a minute of it altogether.

Really? This is crazy and I have so many questions. Starting with: which scenes?

The scene in the car, when the kids are left alone and the T-Rex is attacking. And then also in the kitchen, when they’re scrambling around hiding from the Velociraptors (I think)? I guess the main times you hear child-size hyperventilating in general.

But you yourself aren’t pictured in the movie — so the original actors’ breathing was like, not convincing enough? Are you telling me you were employed as a voice-over child hyperventilator?

Well, “employed” would imply that I was paid, which I was not. I don’t really know what was wrong with the original audio — I think it was mainly the boy — but for some reason it wasn’t worth it for them to get the actors back in the studio. And my dad was working on the movie — he’s a sound editor at Skywalker/Lucasfilm — and I was eight years old, so he just brought me in.

Do you remember much about the session? Did they just show you terrifying images of dinosaurs attacking people and record your natural reaction, or did you have to get all Stanislavsky and “in the zone” at the age of eight?

I remember they were working on that chase scene with the rearview mirror gag, where Jeff Goldblum is all “faster, faster, must go faster,” so we watched that a bunch of times. And they must have showed me the car scene. It wasn’t my natural reaction, but I think the bulk of the direction was like, “You are very scared because you think you’re about to be eaten by a dinosaur.”

That’s scary enough for an eight-year-old.

It was. I recall that it also seemed vaguely plausible. Those special effects looked damn good in 1993.

So the movie comes out, you go to see it in the theater, and… did you recognize your own breathing? Did you jump up and be like, “THAT’S ME, HUFFING AND PUFFING, RIGHT THERE, Y’ALL”?

You know, I don’t actually remember going to see it in theaters. I must’ve told a lot of people though, because I know I was cool in elementary school because of it for about six months. That was the actually the coolest I’ve ever been. It came out in the summer of ’93, so…yeah, the next fall, fourth grade, was probably the peak of my popularity as a person.

What about now? Has it been demoted to just some random errata from your past that comes up from time to time? I mean, on weeks like this with Jurassic World coming out, you must be talking about it more and more.

Yeah, about a dozen people have asked me in the past week if I’m in Jurassic World. Which, I’m sorry to say, I am not — they have yet to ask me back for any of the sequels. It has disappointed some of my friends, and I am trying not to take it personally. I should probably start acting like they asked and I declined, though, right? SORRY SPIELBERG, I’M OUT THE GAME.

Are parts of you in any other ’90s movies? Did your dad make you cry for the soundtrack to Home Alone or anything?

Sadly, no. I know at “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” once they had a bunch of us run and stomp on a sound stage, I think for a scene in that Hugh Grant movie Nine Months? Which was terrible, right? I don’t know if I’ve actually ever seen it.

Let me check with my wife, she’s the Hugh Grant expert.

So yeah, it was awful. But speaking of Jurassic Park, there’s a scene with kids and dinosaurs in Nine Months. And wait, Jeff Goldblum is in it, too! I guess the real question after all this is: are you now friends with Jeff Goldblum because you breathed in his movie?

Oh boy. Not in real life, no. But don’t get me started on my love for that man, which, now that I think about it, germinated with Jurassic Park. The Fly and Earth Girls Are Easy (aka the Geena Davis era) were probably more instrumental in developing that. I’ve also thought a lot about buying a print of this Jeff Goldblum oil painting, and the song about the painting is now stuck in my head.  I have not yet met him in person.

We need to make this happen somehow.

You know, if it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen. Life finds a way.

If you are Jeff Goldblum and are reading this right now, please get in touch with Emma Silvers on Twitter at @emmaruthless. She breathed in your movie when she was eight! It’s the least you can do, my friend.

Did you know today is National Pink Day? Yeah, me neither, but I love an excuse to celebrate something and pink is definitely worth some fanfare.

Some history for you: Pink wasn’t always a color mostly associated with girls. Smithsonian Magazine points out that blue and pink didn’t become gendered until the early 1900s. Back then, the colors’ meanings as we know them were actually reversed! “[P]ink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl,” read a 1918 article from Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department. More proof that gender is just a construct and we should express ourselves however we want!

Now that we’ve learned a little something, let’s look in the pop culture rearview mirror and honor some of the best uses of pink in music, movies and television over the years:

When I think pink, my mind immediately goes to Gwen Stefani’s hair circa 2000. She was promoting No Doubt’s Return of Saturn and getting back at her then-ex Gavin Rossdale by looking fine as hell (and started a trend in the process!). Manic Panic owes her a lot of money.

My inner 10-year-old would be so pissed if I didn’t pay homage to Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger. She taught a lot of us that doing sequential backflips should not be tried at home and also taught us how to spell pterodactyl (big ups to the only non land-bound dinosaur on the show!). And no, I do not count the blond Aussie or anyone else who came after Amy-Jo Johnson as true Pink Rangers because I’m old and persnickety.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake used to be in love and play charity basketball games together, while wearing jerseys featuring their nicknames for each other. Brit’s was Pinky. This is a safe space; cry if you must.

This girl from Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video. No explanation necessary.

Wednesday was easily the worst weekday of the bunch for years and years. And then Regina George and the Plastics from Mean Girls reinvented it with a simple maxim: “On Wednesdays, we wear pink.”

Anyone who watched Dumbo as a young child probably still has night terrors starring some of the pink elephants the title character hallucinated after accidentally getting hammered on champagne. You might also recognize them from that time you “accidentally” ate some funky mushrooms in Golden Gate Park.

Pretty in Pink gets a mention because duh, but also because we all need to bring back using “volcanic” as a congratulatory adjective.

I would lose my Baltimore cred if I didn’t mention John Waters’ classic Pink Flamingos, which starred Divine—the reigning queen of on fleek eyebrows—and proved that filthiness is next to godliness. On a semi-related, scarily timely sidenote, the man who created the plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament died today.

Sophia Grace a.k.a. that little British girl who’s always crawling on Ellen’s couch in a tutu makes no secret of her love of pink. And I make no secret of the fact that I loved her last single so much that I remixed it.

And we obviously can’t talk about Sophia Grace without mentioning Nicki Minaj (SG’s claim to fame was a cover of “Super Bass”). Nicki loves pink wigs, outfits, nails, lipsticks, perfumes, etc. and even called her last album The Pinkprint. It’s so good and you should listen to it right now:

Another day, another dollar made off of relics from the ’90s. Yesterday it was a musical adaptation of Full House starring Perez Hilton (still cringing). Today it’s Clueless‘ turn. The movie’s writer and director Amy Heckerling has confirmed that she’s written a script for a stage production that will be a “jukebox musical,” meaning it will consist of music we already know à la Mamma Mia!, instead of original songs.

So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but Clueless finding its way to Broadway doesn’t seem as odious to me as The Craft remake or the Reality Bites one. For starters, Amy Heckerling is running the ship, not just consulting. She created Cher’s world and knows how to navigate it. Second, the music from that movie is amazing, even the Mighty Mighty Bosstones number! Just imagine Coolio’s “Rollin’ with My Homies” blasting in some hallowed Broadway theater while a ’90s clog flies! Are you as totally butt crazy in love with this idea as I am? 

The only thing I’m nervous about is casting. So is Heckerling: “Well, casting—that’s like going to be like the main problem.” I like totally agree, especially after finding a 2014 quote attributed to Heckerling about casting a well-known pop star as Cher: “Katy Perry has expressed interest, and I love her to death.”

I didn’t know how to feel about this so I asked a coworker to direct my emotions and she summed it up perfectly: “I mean, she’s not the most annoying possibility.” We naturally started brainstorming other casting ideas. Zendaya as Dionne. Lorde as Tai. No one as Josh, unless it’s Paul Rudd again. We’re crossing our fingers that Brittany Murphy (miss you, bb) pulls some strings in heaven to get us the cast this musical deserves.

In honor of this news and the fact that it’s almost Friday, let’s listen to the whole soundtrack right now!

If you were alive and in possession of a television set in the ’90s, the genius that was Chris Farley’s comedy requires no introduction.

During his five-year stint on Saturday Night Live alone, he created almost too many endearing weirdos to name. There was The Chris Farley Show, in which the comedian played himself and nervously asked terrible questions of superstars (to Paul McCartney: “Remember when you were with The Beatles? That was awesome”). There was Bennett Brauer, Weekend Update correspondent with questionable hygiene and a deep affinity for air quotes.

And of course there was motivational speaker Matt Foley, whose guidance consisted of cautioning teenagers not to turn out like him. (Raise your hand if you listed “Livin’ in a van down by the river” as your future plans under your senior portrait in your high school yearbook. Just me? Okay then.)

But compulsive YouTube sessions and a few Saturday Night Live specials aside, we’ve never gotten a true celebration of the late comedy great, who died at the age of 33 in 1997. Which is why the documentary I Am Chris Farley, which opens in theaters July 31, is so exciting — despite the fact that it’s clearly going to make us bawl our faces off in public.

The film promises emotional contributions from a veritable who’s-who of ’90s comedy, including Dan Akroyd, Mike Myers, Dennis Miller, Christina Applegate, Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler, Molly Shannon, Bob Odenkirk, Lorne Michaels, and of course Farley’s BFF and cinematic partner-in-crime, David Spade.

As Bob Saget puts it: “Everybody cries through this, right?” Uh, yeah. If you need help balancing that out with a little laughter, check out the clips below.

By Adam Wenger

A few weeks ago, San Andreas defiantly debuted at No. 1 at the box office, despite being largely panned by critics. The summer blockbuster, which attempts to show how doomed we all are when the next big earthquake hits, is the latest poorly received film that audiences nevertheless embraced. Inspired by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s ability to consistently turn tripe into gold, here’s a look at the worst reviewed films to earn over $500 million* at the box office.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Worldwide gross: $544 Million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 44 percent

Another film that rankled critics and scientists alike, The Day After Tomorrow depicts climate change gone bad, very bad. It’s an apocalyptic Ice Age story that’s as scientifically accurate as Kylie Jenner’s tweets. Rolling Stone film critic Peter Travers gave The Day After Tomorrow a one star rating, writing: “The only truly scary thing about this doomsday popcorn flick is the monumental ineptitude of the acting, writing and directing.”

Armageddon (1998)

Worldwide gross: $553 Million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 39 percent

Space cowboys who save the planet? Ben Affleck doing naughty things with animal crackers? Michael Bay’s space blockbuster is a film no one who grew up in the ’90s wants to admit they liked, but everyone saw. Like a cheesy bowl of French onion soup, it was a rich recipe for commercial success that didn’t settle well with critics. Roger Ebert called it “an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained.” 

The Hangover II (2011)

Worldwide gross: $587 million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 34 percent

One of the most highly anticipated comedy sequels in recent memory, The Hangover II was destined for box office greatness. It didn’t really matter what was on screen. They could have filmed Zach Galifianakis throwing up for two hours and made money. Needless to say, the second installment felt about as good as your second hangover, or as the the Wall Street Journal put it: “rancid and predictable.” You knew exactly what you were in for, yet it still hurt.

The Smurfs (2011)

Worldwide gross: $562 million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 22 percent

Is this the worst children’s show-to-film adaptation of all time? No. That would be Inspector Gadget. But The Smurfs is certainly one of the most painful to make a boatload of money. Lured by Katy Perry and crippling nostalgia, parents who grew up with the tiny blue creatures took their kids to theaters in droves. Hollywood cashed in. Critics sighed. TheWrap called it a “a poopy cerulean diaper” that “does for children’s entertainment what lead paint does for children’s toys.”

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Worldwide gross: $570 million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 25 percent

Hollywood optioned this erotic novel faster than your mom could Google “What is S&M?” A turgid marketing campaign, a good dose of curiosity, and a built-in fan base all worked together to whip up the perfect storm. Terrible reviews couldn’t stop fans. Though Peter Travers called it “about as erotic as an ad for Pottery Barn,” Fifty Shades would go on to become just the sixth R-rated film to ever top $500 million.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2012)

Worldwide gross: $712 million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 24 percent

Of all the films in the Twilight Saga, it’s Breaking Dawn – Part 1 that made the most money in the face of terrible reviews. The movie earned over $500 million worldwide in just 12 days, which coincidentally is the current record for time needed to get Kristen Stewart to smile in a room filled with kittens. Slate called it a “terrible movie.” Roger Ebert actually liked it, but he also called Fast Times at Ridgemont High a failure. Even the best make mistakes.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Worldwide gross: $1 billion

Rotten Tomatoes score: 33 percent

Calling this film a shipwreck is generous. Shipwrecks aren’t all bad; sometimes they leave treasure behind, or inspire James Cameron to build a really expensive fake boat! Keeping with the water-themed metaphors, On Stranger Tides, the fourth installment in this Disney franchise, is a clogged toilet. You really want to flush the excrement away, but no matter how hard you try, the turd keeps floating back with a vengeance. The Wall Street Journal’s Joe Morgenstern was so upset with the film’s score, he “wanted to chloroform an entire orchestra.” Naturally, a fifth film is scheduled for release in 2017.

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

Worldwide gross: $1.1 billion

Rotten Tomatoes score: 18 percent

USA Today called the sequel “deafening, deadening and about two hours too long,” while New York Post critic Kyle Smith wondered whether it was all an inside joke. “You get the feeling the guy who wrote Transformers: Age of Extinction used the entire script as a passive-aggressive running joke on his boss, director Michael Bay.” Believe it or not, it wasn’t. Even more shocking: Replacing Shia LaBeouf with Mark Walbergh wasn’t enough to make this film watchable. 

The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Worldwide gross: $612 million

Rotten Tomatoes score: 49 percent

Back when Mel Gibson was still relevant, he made The Passion of the Christ. Depending on whom you ask, it’s either the most moving, intense film of 2004, or a gory, offensive piece of garbage. Roger Ebert gave it four stars, while the New York Daily News called it “the most virulently anti-Semitic movie made since the German propaganda films of World War II.” Not up for debate: The movie’s enormous box office haul.

*Total global box office revenue, not adjusted for inflation, courtesy boxofficemojo.com

Mainstream films have a longstanding reputation of being a space for white men, so much so that a phenomenon like The Bechdel Test, which grades movies based on whether two women speak to each other about something other than a man, is necessary. Now there’s a similar litmus test regarding race, thanks to Dylan Marron of the podcast Welcome to Night Vale. His Tumblr project, Every Single Word, edits down movies to only include the lines spoken by people of color. The results bring Hollywood’s diversity problem into sharp relief.

Take Into the Woods, for example:

No, that’s not a glitch. The video begins and ends with no real content because, while a magic surrealist landscape can accommodate giants and witches, it can’t bend the imagination enough to include a non-white person.

Same goes for Noah. The people from the Bible are from what we now call the Middle East, yet they’re played by super white actors like Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins and Emma Watson.

Whoopi Goldberg recently drew attention to the lack of diversity in Wes Anderson movies when she jokingly handed her resume to Jason Schwartzman to give to the director. She certainly has a point, as these three throwaway lines from Moonrise Kingdom attest.

Out of the four people of color in Her, only one gets an actual name. The others go by Letter Writer #2, Pizza Vendor and Uncomfortable Waitress.

(500) Days of Summer doesn’t fare much better. Another four people of color, again only one with an actual name. And all their lines combined clock in at under 30 seconds. The movie is an hour and 35 minutes long.

You get the picture.

Marron talked to Slate about how his race has limited his career options. His agents once told him he would “never play the romantic male lead and that they weren’t sure how much work is out there for [his] ‘type.'” Years later, that continues to be the message Hollywood sends Marron and people like him.

But Marron has a message of his own with these videos, and it’s coming in loud and clear. Watch them all at his YouTube page and spread the word.

It seems like we get a new superhero reboot, sequel, prequel or spinoff every few weeks. I ignore most of them. But never X-Men. My allegiance to the ’90s cartoon series is too strong to ever overlook any output from that section of the Marvel universe. So I was pretty pumped when Entertainment Weekly released a handful of photos that give us our first look at X-Men: Apocalypse. Let’s overanalyze them, shall we?

Let’s start with the good. Storm is not being played by Halle Berry. Hallelujah! She’s also rocking a mohawk, a version of the character that has a history of being the best kind of bad ass, from making out with Wolverine just cause she feels like it to challenging Cyclops’ white male privilege. Psylocke, played by Olivia Munn, is similarly killing it in the style department. She’s an under-appreciated character in the X-Men universe (she only got one or two cameos in the animated series) so it’s good to see her finally getting her deserved place in the film series.

And then there’s Apocalypse. The villain is supposed to be a towering, brutal blue giant. Here, he is played by Oscar Isaac, who is 5’9″. Apocalypse is supposed to be the biggest and the baddest. We’re supposed to believe that he could truly precipitate the end of the world. All this depiction accomplishes is reminding us of Ivan Ooze, the villain from the Power Rangers movie:

This shot of Michael Fassbender as Magneto looks like a screen test for Drive (you know, the movie in which Ryan Gosling wears a fly scorpion jacket and kills people in elevators). That blurry guy in the background is wearing a bib, perhaps to catch the drool that results from feasting eyes on Fassbender? Yeah, that’s probably it.

The gang finally gets around to watching “2 Girls 1 Cup.” If you don’t understand that reference, please wait until you’re not at work to Google it. Better yet, just stay in the dark on this one.

Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique) gets to wear more than just blue paint in this movie. She’s staring down Magneto’s son Quicksilver and probably about to ask him “Was that you going through my laundry?” or “Why do you only look 5 years younger than your dad?”

Director Bryan Singer is most likely breaking it to Apocalypse that he is actually on the wrong set and has to leave immediately. The Power Rangers reboot is shooting across town. Or maybe, just maybe, Singer is explaining how they can actually bring about the end of the world by pissing off all X-Men fans everywhere with this wack portrayal. Were the Mayans right, after all? We’ll know for sure if the studio changes the release date from May 27, 2016 to December 21, 2016. Tell your family you love them just in case.

I hope you’re wearing your white collarless shirt from Fred Segal right now because it’s the 20th anniversary of Clueless! That’s right, you’re old, but so is everyone else so it’s going to be ok. Like Heathers before it, Clueless seized the vernacular of an entire generation. I’m totally buggin’. She’s a full on Monet. Whatever! I’m Audi. You jeepin’ behind my back? As if! And on and on. So it’s no surprise that the entire Internet is celebrating this high holiday. Here are the some of the best Clueless homages from around the web:

Buzzfeed brought attention to the 1995 premiere party, which was hosted by MTV VJs Jenny McCarthy and Daisy Fuentes on a beach with a performance by Luscious Jackson. It doesn’t get more ’90s than that.

It’s not that surprising that Clueless is getting its own musical. The soundtrack is as iconic as the script. David Bowie crooning about fashion while you pick out your outfit for the day. Kim Wilde making you feel proud to be a kid in America. Coolio rapping about rollin’ with the homies, while you sustain a clog-induced concussion. All these associations are thanks to Karyn Rachtman, the music supervisor who also worked on the soundtracks for Reality Bites and Romeo + Juliet. Flavorwire caught up with her to talk about why No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” wasn’t a single off the soundtrack and other behind-the-scenes tidbits.

This mashup of The Little Mermaid and Clueless from 2007 recently resurfaced and we’re so glad it did. Ariel ranting about the tragic uselessness of searching for a boy in high school while looking on in disgust at Ursula’s unfortunate souls is pure genius.

While we’re in the vault, this parody featuring three of the Golden Girls acting out scenes from the movie (with an elderly twist) is magic. Best line: “You see how picky I am about my teeth and they only go in my mouth.”

Did you know that Cher’s yellow plaid outfit was almost red? Entertainment Weekly talked to the film’s costume designer Mona May about how she came up with certain looks and why she thinks Cher and her clique’s fashion choices are still relevant today.

Bustle decided to rank the boys from the movie from full-on Monets to total Baldwins. Any article that disses that rude lawyer who called Cher a “dumb kid” gets my stamp of approval.

Bustle also reminded us of some long-forgotten Clueless memorabilia. Digital organizer and Barbie add-ons, anyone?

And, if you pride yourself in your Clueless knowledge, Vh1 has put together a quiz that’ll put you to the test. If you don’t do as well as you might have hoped, don’t sweat it; Cher argued her way from a C+ to an A-, and so can you.

If you have a pulse and aren’t agoraphobic, you’ve probably seen Jurassic World. And you probably noticed that the heroine of the film, played by Bryce Dallas Howard (not Jessica Chastain), was forced to wear heels for the entire movie, even while fleeing lethal pterodactyls. Surely an amusement park as large as Jurassic World would have some sensible footwear options in the gift shop (maybe with light up dino eyes or something)? Apparently not. Some argued that the heels were a tongue-in-cheek call-back to monster movies of yore. Others thought it was just sexist.

XVP Comedy spun the debate into comedic gold by putting all the male characters from previous Jurassic Park movies in heels of their own. And they didn’t stop there; the dinosaurs and even the mosquito immortalized in amber got the stiletto treatment. How does it feel, fellas? #JusticeforBryceDallasHowardsFeet!

By Lillian Mongeau

If you ask me, the main thing that’s been missing from our portrayal of women in movies is simple: farting.

Farting is funny. But more than that, it’s human. And women tend not to do it on camera. Though, as a woman who knows a lot of women, I can assure you that it’s a fairly regular occurrence off camera.

And farting women, I think, can be seen as a proxy for human women, female characters who do not fit the familiar tropes: pretty, but brainless; clever, but wicked; smart, but lonely. Women who fart (and have bad hair days and are larger than a size 2) are Jane Schmoe—average gals, just making their way through life like the rest of us. And they’ve been a rare commodity on screen.

Until now.

In recent years, there has been a notable rise in the number of women-who-seem-like-they-probably-fart in our pop culture diet.

But the problem is far from solved. Of 120 popular films released between January 2010 and May 2013, only 31 percent of speaking or named characters were female, according to a 2014 report by the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media. And only 23 percent of lead actors in those films were female. Women actors were also twice as likely to be thin, naked or partially naked and to be shown in sexually revealing clothing.

And a depressing number of films still fail the “Bechdel Test,” wherein two named female characters have to talk to each other about something other than men.

There is—mother knows—a lot of work left to do. But we are moving in the right direction.

First, there was Bridesmaids in 2011. From Maya Rudolph taking a dump in the middle of a street to Kristen Wiig succeeding, despite a chocolate fountain fight and overall terrible behavior on her part, this movie had it all. For the first time ever, I felt like I was watching people I actually knew and friendships I actually understood.

The movie managed to be universally funny, while being even funnier for women because we have all been there. Yes, we’ve felt overshadowed by an obnoxiously perfect friend of a friend. Yes, we’ve felt like we were about to pass out while trussed up in a ridiculous dress. Yes, we’ve felt completely nonplussed at some guy’s overconfidence in his ability to turn us on. Yes, yes, yes.

And it’s only gotten better since. This year alone, Shailene Woodley stepped right over “artfully mussed” and had a truly bad hair day in a prison scene in Insurgent. Melissa McCarthy broke about a zillion barriers in one film as the smart, crass desk jockey turned spy in the bluntly named, Spy. Women have even stepped into their own in the field of blockbuster action movies with the critically acclaimed Mad Max: Fury Road, which I didn’t understand at all, but hey, there was an aged female biker gang, so I’m not complaining.

Then there’s the broader pop cultural sweep: Julianna Margulies is playing one of the most multi-dimensional female characters ever to lead a TV series in The Good Wife. Her picture perfect looks as the lawyer Alicia Florrick aren’t anything new, but her ambition, sexuality and complicated feelings about motherhood are a breath of fresh air for female viewers.

Taylor Swift is making millions on some of the funniest music videos I’ve seen. She dances awkwardly in “Shake It Off,” leads a band of people dressed as dogs (what?) in “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” and tries out every single action hero trope there is in “Bad Blood.”

And a new generation of men are helping the transition right along, from Andy Grammer singing about politely turning down a woman’s advances in favor of going home to his wife to Jimmy Fallon treating his female guests like, umm, people.

So maybe it shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was when the Women’s World Cup final game became not only the most-watched soccer game ever broadcast on an English-language news station in America, but also one of the top sporting events of the year, beating the World Series final and the NBA final, with 25.4 million viewers.

An apparently baffled New York Times reporter tried to get to the bottom of the numbers, citing things like “group viewing” and “good time of day,” while completely leaving out what seems an obvious point to me: Women were watching. We were watching people who look like us, who run and jump and stumble and spit and (I’m guessing) fart. It was glorious.

Because all we really want out of our entertainment, all anyone really wants, is to see ourselves reflected in it, to feel like enough of the in-crowd to get a fair shake on the big screen. It’s taken a long time for women to get even this far. For people of color, we are not even this far. There is a long way to go. But for the first time in my life, it feels like we’re getting there.

Wet Hot American Summer, the 2001 David Wain-directed camp flick, is the ultimate cult classic. A commercial and critical flop upon its release, it didn’t take long for obsessive fans — those of us who immediately felt that the deeply absurdist, gleefully nonsensical universe in which Camp Firewood is situated was home — to turn the film into the stuff of legends.

Yet while WHAS might be this gang’s best-known work, die-hard fans of Wain, Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, et al. know the movie is just one small part of their ouevre. Originally formed as a comedy collective at NYU in the late ’80s, MTV’s The State is still probably the weirdest (in a good way) thing to ever air on the station. In the decades that followed, Stella, Wainy Days, Reno 911!, the podcast Michael & Michael Have Issues, and a slew of Wain’s more commercially successful fare (Role Models, They Came Together) have all kept the crew tight.

Accordingly, First Day of Camp is packed with references that reward not only hardcore fans of the movie, but devotees of Wain’s universe at large. Here are the best callbacks and inside jokes for those of us who have been paying very close attention.

Jim Stansel

Michael Cera’s boy-wonder lawyer character in First Day of Camp is named Jim Stansel. Not only is this a callback to the first movie (see above), David Wain has named a character Jim Stansel in nearly all of his movies (see below). Asked about it during a Reddit AMA a few years ago, Wain had this to say:

Jim Stansel was the name of a guy who used to work with my dad when I was like 10 years old. We have a super-8 movie of him up in a hot air balloon for a radio station promotion in Dallas, and my dad’s going “That’s Jim Stansel! That’s Jim Stansel!” and the name has always stuck in my head. I just love the name!

The Gang’s All Here

Once you belong to Wain’s World, you’re in for life. He’s always bringing comedian friends along for the ride (like eternally underrated The State and Reno 911! alum Kerri Kenney-Silver as the real estate agent in “Auditions”).  But for First Day of Camp, the writer/director was so committed to bringing back as many actors as possible from the original movie that the Netflix series is stuffed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em cameos. Remember the “indoor kids” — misfits and baby goths — that worked with David Hyde Pierce’s astrophysicist character in the original film? Check out the punks that give Jon Hamm’s secret agent a hard time in the liquor store.

IT’S LOUIE, EVERYBODY

If you’re not a State fan, this might sound like the dumbest thing — okay, scratch that, it is the dumbest thing. It’s also the best thing. The aforementioned sketch comedy show had a character named Louie, played by Ken Marino, whose catchphrase was “I wanna dip my balls in it!” He said this all the time. It was stupid. The point of the sketch was that it was stupid.

You know what is not stupid? The sheer amount of joy we felt upon hearing Ken Marino yell this catchphrase, briefly, while unseen, in a scene that otherwise has nothing to do with him, in Episode 7, “Staff Party.” We can’t embed it here for various legal reasons but if you care — you know exactly how much you care — it’s about four and a half minutes in. Listen for this:

Bonus treat: Listen to Marino talk about how his kids have picked up on his inappropriate catchphrase here.

Well? What are we missing, superfans? If we have to watch it again, well, so be it. WHAS is like an onion, you see: You just keep peeling back layers to see what’s inside. And it stings your cheeks and it makes you cry, but it tastes so good on a sandwich.

Dear reader! We find ourselves on a Friday afternoon before Labor Day weekend, perched on the precipice of three long days of freedom, cookouts and massive block parties.

You’re not doing any actual work, are you? Of course not. So there’s no time like the present to catch up on what you missed this week in pop culture.

1. American hero Robert Wright ran back into a burning building in Fresno, after making sure his family was okay, to save a rack of barbecued ribs.

“First thing, I got my kids, and I thought about my ribs. Like, I didn’t want my ribs to burn and stuff because I take pride in what I do, man,” said the West Oakland native and instantaneous worldwide role model. Something to think about at your BBQs this weekend.

2. Director/writer/producer/man responsible for all your childhood nightmares Wes Craven died this week at the age of 76.

Here’s a great video essay from RogerEbert.com, featuring audio of Craven speaking about his work and, naturally, what the filmmaker wanted on his gravestone.

3. Today, Sept. 4th, is Beyoncé’s birthday, otherwise known as #BeyDay, and the Internet is celebrating as only the Internet can: with photos, gifs, and think pieces until the end of time. 

Beyoncé returned the favor by releasing this super-heavy, slowed down remix of “Crazy In Love” — which is apparently on the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack, but that’s not her fault. It’s an interesting sound for her and the lyrics take on a new desperation. But we’re not gonna lie, Jay-Z’s chinchilla line really makes this song. Compare and contrast:

4. The soundtrack to Angus, a severely underrated coming-of-age film, will be re-issued on vinyl for its 20th anniversary.

This is excellent news for me and the maybe 100 or so other people in the world who firmly believe this to be one of the best soundtracks of all time. The thing is perfect. I have said this elsewhere. Tilt, the Muffs, Weezer when they were not-annoying, one of the most underrated Green Day gems from back when they were not-annoying: it’s just the sweetest gut-punch combination of adolescent ’90s angst, hope and heartache. It also has this excellent version of Love Spit Love’s “Am I Wrong?” with high school marching band horns and drums mixed in. Have I mentioned this album is underrated?

5. Indie-pop duo Diet Cig, who are from New York but recently signed to Oakland/Portland label Father/Daughter records, are playing the Hemlock Tavern tomorrow night.

But if you can’t make that, they’ll be at Different Fur studios in the Mission tonight for free at 7pm. Here’s a fun dancy video from this year’s Over Easy:

6. This here is an oral history of pie fights. 

Happy long weekend!

Hey, racist Star Wars fans!

I heard about your boycott of the upcoming Episode VII: The Force Awakens because it *gasp* features people of color and I have a few questions for you.

1. How dare you?

2. You’re trolling Twitter, right?

3. Oh, you’re not? And you think it’s a good idea to use the N word in a tweet?

4. Have you looked at a calendar recently? Your white supremacy outrage is 2000 and late (and then some).

5. You do realize that people of color were pretty instrumental in the original films, right?

6. Remember this dude who blew up the second Death Star? He’s not white!

7. Did you not realize that the voice of arguably the most important character in the franchise, Darth Vader, was voiced by an awesome black man?

8. Did you forget that white skin isn’t really the norm for this series?

9. Do you recognize that freaking out about so-called #whitegenocide and calling the movie “anti-white propaganda” will not hurt the franchise in the slightest, but will only make you unemployable, unless you wanna work at the Mos Eisley Cantina?

10. Oh, and did you not know that George Lucas, the mastermind behind your beloved series, is actually married to a black woman?

 
Like The Nerds of Color said in their post about this mess, please do boycott this movie. We don’t want to hang out with you at the theater.

Stay home and cry me several rivers so I can drink your tears and stay hydrated during this flu season.

Oh, and one last thing, log back into Twitter and go to Settings. Then click on Deactive my account. I hear myspace is stuck in the past, just like your world view. You might have better luck over there.

Bye now!

As a die-hard horror fan, my cinematic tastes are usually best described as “the scarier the better.” But really, Halloween is the time for that most underrated (and accessible) of genres: the comedy-horror movie.

This is the season when you’re never sure whether to laugh or scream. So you want movies that are macabre enough to be Halloween-appropriate but not too terrifying — in short, the kind of gleeful funhouse ride that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, as amazing as it is, just can’t provide. 

So, here you have it: my hand-picked list of genuinely great horror-comedies — from kids’ animation to gross-out B-Movies — that are just chilling enough to thrill, but stay on the delightful side of the fun/horrible divide. I think they’re also perfect for introducing newcomers to the addictive pleasures of the scary (but not too scary) movie. Enjoy!

Trick ‘R Treat (2007)

Movies set at or around Halloween offer a distinct shivery pleasure — Jack O’ Lanterns, crisp leaves, the dread of premature sundown — so watching this super-dark, ghoulishly comic anthology on October 31 itself is real horror heaven. Trick ‘R Treat weaves together four stories from a seemingly-normal small town on Halloween night, but one in which everyday events and stock figures — the grumpy school bus driver, the virginal good girl — can suddenly turn nightmarish . Oh, and there’s a child-sized apparition with a pumpkin-shaped sack over its head, mutely ducking in and out of the narrative like a malevolent sprite and leaving carnage in its wake. Things breeze along with with such audacious self-awareness and  wit that you’re swept along when heads start flying and proceedings get plain nasty. Plus: Brian Cox!

Newbie scare alert: Even hardened horror fans will be staggered by how willing this movie is to kill off multiple children. Plus the cold open’s Scream-like pay-off is pretty yucky.

Army of Darkness, a.k.a. Evil Dead III (1992)

The very definition of a funhouse ride. No knowledge of the first two Evil Dead movies is required to plow straight into this preposterously entertaining romp: all you need to know is that Bruce Campbell’s time traveler Ash has been transported back to a quasi-medieval land threatened by janky demons, and he is not happy about it. The super-goofy humor and sight gags will appeal to comedy fans and older kids, while the film nerds can get insufferably excited over the “army of skeletons” homage to FX legend Ray Harryhausen. A warning: do NOT get it wrong and accidentally cue up The Evil Dead instead. Unlike its two sequels, this one is a genuinely grim horror movie, and you don’t want to be the guy/gal who killed Halloween with heel-slicing and tree assault.

Newbie scare alert: The jump scares of the opening set piece — where our hero Ash is tossed down a well to fight it out with the demon hiding within — are still pretty hard-going.

The Nightmare before Xmas (1993)

I’ve had several almost-physical fights over whether this one is a holiday movie or a Halloween movie — and I’m calling it as the latter, so there. (What sicko watches a horror movie at Christmas?) This movie terrified me in the theater as a kid, and while I’m ready to concede it’s not anywhere near as scary as my nine-year-old self perceived it, don’t be fooled by the animation and the earworm songs: it’s still genuinely creepy as only Tim Burton’s early work can be. I strongly recommend pairing it with Burton’s ghoulish animated short Vincent, which was shown in theaters as a pre-feature treat before Nightmare. Narrated by horror icon Vincent Price, it might be the funniest/bleakest 10 minutes you’ll spend on YouTube this year.

Newbie scare alert: The Oogie Boogie Man, with his burlap-sack body oozing maggots at the seams, is a truly disgusting villain, and way too sadistic to be in what’s meant to be a kid’s film. Which is to say: he’s amazing.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

This movie is what you get when very funny horror fanatics make a horror flick: a loving, hilarious homage to the cinematic classics that’s also delightfully scary in parts. The Brit trio of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright may be bona fide Hollywood players now, but this movie remains the best thing they’ll ever do: the tale of a London loser trying to keep himself and his friends alive during the zombie apocalypse, mainly by hiding in their local pub. While zombies have — quite literally — been done to death onscreen in the ensuing years, Shaun of the Dead somehow still feels fresh and really funny.

Newbie scare alert: A wink to George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead it might be, but the intestinal fate met by a key character at the film’s climax is plain horrible. 

Slither (2006)

This underrated B-movie gem definitely falls on the side of “comedy with gross bits,” but is no less enjoyable for it. The draw here, for adults at least, is a cast which has no business being as good as it is: geek favorite Nathan Fillion as the beleaguered sherriff investigating an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-meets-The Blob crisis in his sleepy hometown, while Elizabeth Banks and horror royalty Michael Rooker give 100% in the background, and generally treat the whole shebang with more respect than it probably deserves. It’s the perfect combination of sweet, ridiculous and disgusting, propelled along with a nice sense of pacing and its own absurdity.

Newbie scare alert: Weirdly, the family whose home suddenly comes under siege from killer slugs from outer space evokes a strange sense of authentic home invasion peril. (You won’t be laughing when it happens to you, okay?)

Beetlejuice (1988)

Another slice of early Tim Burton genius, but that’s because he was, for a time, the undisputed king of the creepy fantasy-comedy. With a genuinely unhinged performance from Michael Keaton as the decomposing “bio-exorcist” of the title, there’s very little not to love about Beetlejuice, whether it’s a young Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin as very earnest, very dead newlyweds trying to navigate their new afterlife, an even younger Winona Ryder as the depressed daughter of the hideous yuppies that move into the couple’s house or Burton’s vision of the underworld as an inferno of bureaucracy. It’s supremely silly, very funny and still spooky after all these years.

Newbie scare alert: Younger kids might not be able to take some of the disgusting mutilations Davis and Baldwin exact on their own bodies in their quest to scare their new tenants out of the house  but eh, being scared witless is character-building (probably).

What movies would you add? Let us know in the comments!

Today we’ll be discussing the post-sophomore album crossover attempt: That time in a young pop starlet’s life when, not content to be defined by her highly profitable and rapid ascent in the music industry, she makes the decision to move toward a concurrent career in film.

There are variations on this milestone in a pop star’s career, of course: Christina Aguilera didn’t storm Hollywood with the cinematic masterpiece of a vehicle that was Burlesque until 2010, following the release of her sixth studio record. But for many, finding the perfect vapid marshmallow of a film on which to hitch her hopes of movie stardom is a pivot that comes with a period of self-reinvention, often a public assertion of adulthood.

I bring this up now for a couple reasons: For one, Ariana Grande (who’s currently in the middle of promoting her sophomore album) will reprise her role on the Fox slasher-comedy series Scream Queens in an episode that airs tonight, Nov. 3. She’s yet to lasso her formidable ponytail around a feature film, but it can’ t be too far around the bend.

Two: I will jump at any excuse to discuss the 2002 Britney Spears vehicle Crossroads.

Given that my esteemed colleague Emmanuel Hapsis is of a similar disposition, we thought we’d take this opportunity to revisit some of the most notable pop star crossover movies from the past few decades. Each can be discussed in terms of pros and cons, acting abilities, and more, as well as mined for retrospective signs about where their stars were headed. Is this necessary, you ask? We say: Ssshhh.

Here’s where you, dear readers, have to help us out. We want to honor one of these films with an official liveblogging process. All you have to do is let us know which you’d most like to see.

THE CONTENDERS:

Glitter (2001) 

Mariah Carey’s star turn/infamous failure of a movie was released just over a week after 9/11, a fact on which the singer chose to blame the film’s abysmal performance at the box office. The plot is semi-autobiographical, following a singer’s ascent to fame in The Big City, and various overlapping plot lines featuring business drama and said singer’s love life, but to be honest the only thing I really remember from this movie is a scene in which Mariah isn’t sure if she wants to sleep with the producer dude, and then he’s all “but wait, let me show you my xylophone,” and then she does.

Crossroads (2002) 

Okay so I’ve clearly already showed my cards on this one, but Britney’s (only) attempt at crossover stardom is objectively notable for a few reasons: She’s a terrible actress, to be sure, a fact made more obvious by her co-conspirators (the now probably wishing-this-had-never-happened actual actresses Zoe Saldana and Taryn Manning), but it’s tough to tell if Spears’ performance is more or less embarrassing than the script itself; together, they’re the cinematic equivalent of the nausea one might feel after eating too many mall food court hot dogs-on-sticks.

Plot points: Britney is a good-girl high school valedictorian (!) who plunks on a bucket hat and takes off on a whirlwind, devil-may-care road trip to California with her childhood best friends. In the process, she realizes she can sing and wear crop tops, learns some things about friendship, and falls in love with the only character in the movie portrayed by a worse actor than her. This movie also gave us perhaps the greatest desert-based adolescent ballad of all time.

A Walk To Remember (2002)

I really can’t do this Nicholas Sparks adaptation any more justice than this excerpt from its Wikipedia page. Ahem:

Popular and rebellious teenager Landon Carter (Shane West) is threatened with expulsion from school after he and his friends leave evidence of underage drinking on the school grounds and seriously injure another student as the result of a prank gone wrong. The head of the school gives Landon the choice of being expelled or atoning for his actions by tutoring fellow students and participating in the school play. During these functions, Landon notices Jamie Sullivan (Mandy Moore), a girl he has known since kindergarten and who has attended many of the same classes as him, and who is also the local minister’s daughter. Since he’s one of the in-crowd, he has seldom paid any attention to Jamie, who wears modest dresses all the time and owns only one sweater.

Classic boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, then Mandy Moore gets cancer kind of deal. BUMMER ALERT.

Burlesque (2010)

Xtina’s mid-career tour de force has much in common with Mariah’s, plot-wise: She’s a small-town Midwestern girl who just wants to sing. Also dance. But the city is LA instead of New York, and the aesthetic is shot through with a deliciously campy feel, helped along in no small part by the matriarch of cinematic camp herself, a surprisingly willing-to-make-fun-of-herself Cher. Alan Cumming and Stanley Tucci never hurt anything either. As for Aguilera — I want to say she’s a slightly better actress than Spears, her one-time rival and fellow former Mouseketeer, but that’s really not saying much. Basically, this is a big-budget, cliche-ridden,  PG-13 version of Showgirls — but somehow way more entertaining than that sounds?

HERE’S WHERE YOU COME IN:

Find us on Twitter. That’s @KQEDpop, duh. Then Tweet us your answers to the following:

1. Which movie deserves a revisit?

• Glitter
• Crossroads
• A Walk To Remember
• Burlesque

2. How stupid is this, exactly?

• Pretty stupid
• Extremely stupid

We’ll also count answers left in the comments section, and let you know when we have a winner. Thanks for playing! And remember: All we have is now. And right now we have each other. 

In the spring of 2002, a small movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding came out and randomly became a monster hit at the box office.  22.9 million viewers watched the premiere of the eventual TV series, which was cancelled a handful of episodes later. Then nothing…

…until now. As is to be expected with most blockbusters, a sequel is now upon us. There’s another wedding and another kid struggling to please her Greek family while being an American at the same time. Oh, and our protagonist Toula must spice up her dusty marriage with Aidan Shaw…uh, I mean, John Corbett…by getting it on in cars and stuff. This is the life Carrie Bradshaw could have had!

We asked which pop star crossover movie we should live blog and you unanimously picked Crossroads, Britney Spears’ one and only movie! Ask and y’all shall receive:

Baby versions of Britney Spears, Zoe Saldana and Taryn Manning dig into the Earth to bury some super secret trinkets. One of them says “This is fun!” It’s not.

Trivia: Bb Brit is played by her IRL sister, Jamie Lynn!

Opening credits are boring until you realize Shonda Rhimes wrote this clunker masterpiece.

Two minutes in and Britney is already in her underwear, a creepy reward for all the dads who might have taken their kids to see this movie.

Britney eats her breakfast standing up, while singing along to a Madonna song. Platform heels keep her cereal company.

Dan Aykroyd comes in to bug her about five different things (he’s supposed to be her wet blanket dad). How did he end up in this movie?!

Cut to Britney’s school on graduation day. She’s hanging out with that dude from the Mac commercials who dated Drew Barrymore for a hot second. They’re supposed to be ugly dorks.

There is not an even an attempt to make them look like actual ugly dorks. No low-rent overalls-ification, à la She’s All That, even.

A pregnant Taryn walks down the hallway, looking downtrodden. Some random girl taunts “When’s the baby due?” A gross dude says, “Hey, Mimi, you know you want me,” flicks his tongue at her, and then, for good measure, calls her a “ho.” Taryn is completely within her rights to pull a Carrie and torch that school and all the jerks inside it.

Zoe Saldana descends a staircase with her clique, complimenting herself. She bumps into Britney and freaks the F out. They are randomly mortal enemies now, buried box be damned. Zoe half-recites the best line from Clueless: “You’re a virgin!” (The assumption is that Britney can drive.)

According to this movie, there are three options for women in life: virgin who does everything her dad says, mean popular girl who secretly hates herself, or teen pregnancy.

Zoe’s mom is wearing a killer hat and bullies her to smile more. She makes this face:

Some teacher finds Britney and her dad to say that she hopes Britney continues studying music in college. Dan Aykroyd is like, Bahahaha, nope, she’s gonna be a doctor. Britney dies a little inside.

Back at home, Britney is crying. “Pop, I worked really hard to be the valedictorian.” Book learnin’ is hard, y’all!

Also, in case there was any confusion, this is when it becomes clear that 100% complete suspension of belief is necessary for this movie to work. It’s not that very pretty girls can’t be smart. It’s that Britney Spears — eesh, how to put this? — doesn’t seem like she has both of those qualities going in equal measure.

She goes on to explain how she put all this work into realizing her dream and getting an award for it, but ultimately felt nothing. She missed out on being a real teen. “I never just, like, hung out. Is this it?”

This little monologue could easily be applied to Britney’s actual life. It was a warning for what was to come: much like her character, real life Britney was left feeling empty from the accolades and the fame. She missed out on being a real person so she acted out by dating Kevin Federline, smoking weed and…well, the rest is too sad to get into right now.

This is also, nearly verbatim, dialogue from the sad valedictorian daughter and overbearing single dad interactions in Say Anything. 

Anywaaaaay, the gang is at prom. Taryn wants to go dig up that old box and Britney is not having it because Mac dude is wearing a huge backpack (presumably full of condoms) and wants to take her virginity.

Taryn finds Zoe in a bathroom and brings up their pact to unearth their buried treasure. Zoe is stank and spits, “Excuse me? I have better things to do than dig up some old box.” Again, Taryn has every right to go full-on Carrie on these people.

Zoe and her hot mean friends are dancing in a circle while checking out the weird pseudo-grunge live band that would never actually play a high school prom. There’s lots of expository conversation about Zoe’s fiancé, who’s in LA. He’s cheating on her. Any viewer over the age of 6 would infer this from the 30 seconds of conversation these girls have while dancing robotically in a circle. Zoe does not.

Upstairs in a hotel room, Big Backpack undresses hurriedly and puts baby powder all over his body. He is so ready. He also has multiple abs and is smoking hot. This equals nerd in Hollywood. Unlike the “stud” in this movie, he doesn’t have a tribal tattoo so he’s instantly unattractive.

Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays because duh. Britney does some seductive hand movements to announce her arrival. She takes off a suit jacket to reveal super sexy underwear. This movie is introducing the youth of America to fun singalongs and eroticism! Two birds and all that.

Britney isn’t really feeling it. Big Backpack literally begs to have sex: “Please, Lucy! C’mon! I’m begging you! Please! Let’s just do it! Please!” The answer is nah.

Outside, Taryn’s ex asks, “Wassup, Mimi? How’s the fetus?” Are we sure Shonda Rhimes wrote this?

Even though they hate each other’s guts for no real reason, the three former friends show up to dig up their box. Where did Britney find a shovel between the prom and this park?

After some light laboring, they unearth their buried treasure. Whatever is in there better be good! Is it a middle school slam book? Long dead Tamagotchis? A stash of Dunkaroos??

Nope, all we get is a Polaroid, a locket of Brit’s absent mom, a globe keychain, and a bridal Barbie. Never meet your idols and never dig up dumb crap you buried when you were young.

Taryn shares the meaning of her globe keychain: her younger self wished she’d eventually dip her toes in the Pacific Ocean. She’s actually heading there in two days to do said dipping and also to enter some singing contest.

Brit and Zoe don’t miss a beat in raining all over her parade. Britney needlessly points out, “You’re pregnant!” Zoe adds her rude two cents: “You think you’re gonna be this big fat pregnant star?” WTF. People treat pregnant women horribly in this movie.

The next day, Zoe is on the phone with her fiancé. She hasn’t seen him in 5 months. His name is Dylan and he lives in California. How amazing would it have been if Luke Perry played that role? And how amazing would it have been if the terrible dialogue in this movie didn’t inspire continual pre-puke mouth sweats?

Back at home, Britney is all F this place and sneaks into her dad’s room to put an I’m outtie note on his bedside table. He is sleeping in a single bed. Nothing could be sadder.

Zoe is on a mission to go see Luke Perry so she joins Taryn, as she gets ready for the road trip. Britney appears, wearing an offensive hat she goes on to wear for the majority of the movie. It’s the kind of hat you put on a baby at the beach.

The dude from the unlikely prom band is going to be traveling with them. His backstory is never explained. Also not explained: why he wants to drive a bunch of girls he doesn’t know across the country. What we do know: he can operate a car, he is kind of cute but not really, and he has cringe-y tattoos. Good enough, I guess. Hop in!

When we all think of road trips and how fun they are, we’re thinking of the first two hours or so, when you can still feel your butt and you’re not car sick yet and you’re having fun singing real loud with the windows down and you don’t despise anyone in the car just yet.

The girls convince random dude to change the music from rock to *NSYNC. The girls joyously sing aloud. Britney knows every word ’cause her boyfriend at the time of the filming was none other than Justin Timberlake. They eventually broke up in February 2002. The movie was released a month later. BURN.

The next morning, all the girls get ready in the bathroom at the same time. Taryn has a toothbrush in her hair because she’s such a kooky rebel.

Also this movie is starting to seem like they dreamed up different situations in which Brit could logically be almost naked and then wrote the (loose) narrative around them.

A rumor spreads that the random dude they’re rolling with went to prison for killing a man. They are all like, ewww! They proceed to shun him for the rest of the day.

They stop at a grocery store. Taryn is hungry and asks Britney to get her some chips. Britney says no because this movie is all about punishing pregnant women.

Taryn goes inside to get some Cheetos for herself. (You go, girl.) Britney and Zoe make her feel bad about being pregnant again.

Later, Britney calls her dad and then hangs up on him. She is wearing a ruffled top with pastel flowers on it to remind you, the viewer, that she’s still a virgin. It works.

Maybe Murderer catches Britney in the rearview and asks: “What are you writing in there?” Britney says, “Stuff.” The interaction ends and someone was paid to write it.

The car breaks down. Taryn says she’s hungry. Zoe yells at her to shut up because, again, we hate pregnant women with cravings. Someone get her some chips please!!!

Taryn and Zoe get into a shoving match. Then, Zoe pulls Taryn’s hair. Britney has had it!

The gang needs money to repair their broken car so they do what any of us would do: enter a karaoke contest! This is the second time Taryn has come through with a fully formulated and potentially life-changing plan for the three of them based on a flyer she apparently found in a gas station.

The girls are hanging out in a large, fancy backstage dressing room before going on because this always happens when anyone sings karaoke.

Zoe takes a look at what Britney plans to go out there wearing and is like yeah, no.

Next time we see her, Brit is wearing a barely there ripped top, lots o’ body glitter and all her hairs are crimped! Nothing screams sex like the work of a crimping iron.

Someone from the crowd shouts, “Look at that chick, she’s pregnant!” Seriously, what is up with this movie and the preg shaming? Maybe the whole film is an allegory for the way our culture disdains the power of a woman’s body and feels the need to objectify and shame it to keep it under patriarchal control? Yeah, probably not.

Despite the entire premise of this movie being centered on Taryn wanting to enter some singing contest in California, she gets up there and is REALLY bothered by the bright lights and has a mild panic attack. People boo very quickly (because she’s pregnant) and she begs Britney to sing in her stead.

Shy valedictorian Britney is nervous for about 30 seconds but then pulls it off and becomes a major sexpot for the remaining three minutes of the song, vamping, strutting, and rubbing her back on a stripper pole because she needs them tips for the broken car.

We see that this is working because the camera cuts no fewer than four times to the tip jar which is a giant jar that says TIPS, and people are putting money in it every time. The crowd is shouting excitedly and dancing and behaving exactly like people behave at random low-rent karaoke shows. Also, people dig it because the pregnant girl is in the background where she belongs.

After the performance, random Maybe Murderer is acting like a Maybe Pimp as he counts all the money the girls made.

He’s interrupted by a bro wondering if Britney is his girl. Maybe Pimp says no so the bro says “watch this” to his friends and goes to aggressively dance with Britney. It goes from zero to date rape in three seconds flat.

Maybe Pimp knocks the bro out. Taryn grabs all their money and they all run.

Now that they have money, their hotel room’s carpet and wallpaper aren’t so scarily saturated. Zoe is excited about the mini bar. She doesn’t yet realize that stuff is not free.

Maybe Pimp is permanently emblazoned on our sh*t list when he says to Britney: “I’m not mad at you for what happened back there.” Exsqueeze me? Why in any universe would he need to clarify that? Instead of realizing this dude is a misogynist, Britney feels bad about herself. Maybe Pimp says he needs to take a walk. Perfect idea, dude. Find the nearest cliff.

With that victim blaming loser out of their hair, the girls drink three sips of alcohol and dance for a really long time while giggling. Taryn drinks a lot of Pepsi. This movie was definitely released during the time period when Brit had a major deal with Pepsi. Things are pretty great.

Zoe opens up about why she’s so rude. She used to go to fat camp and her mom is competitive with her! I guess that makes up for all the mean comments.

As we move to some sort of beautiful courtyard location (?) that apparently exists at this rundown motel, it is suddenly daytime, and the convo gets very real. Britney opens up about her absent mother and Taryn opens up about being raped. It was by a guy drinking beer out of a blue bottle. REMEMBER THIS. They all hug and promise not to lose touch again. Ya ya!

Britney says she’s hungover but really doesn’t seem it. Taryn talks about how good a burrito she’s eating is. She finally got something to eat!!!

The girls sing along to Shania Twain because it’s been 10 whole minutes without a dance sequence or singalong.

Maybe Murderer wakes up in the back seat to the girls singing and FREAKS OUT. He wants Britney to pull over. She says she will at the next exit. He continues to freak out and HITS THE BACK OF HER SEAT.

Okay, how many passes are you gonna give this guy? He maybe killed someone, he got mad at a girl for being assaulted by some dude and then made her feel bad about the experience, and now he’s getting physical. Maybe it’s time the girls maybe murdered him! Or I guess they could just leave him on the side of the road. Whatever, just get rid of him!

This movie kind of feels like a PG version of the infamous Zola story that blew up Twitter last month. A road trip gone wrong. Hot-headed men who think they run stuff. Almost stripping.

Maybe Murderer storms out of the car and proceeds to throw rocks and kick the dirt and yell a bunch. He explains that he’s a guy and he can’t handle them doing their “girly things” in his car. If fragile masculinity had a human form and gave a short monologue in a crappy movie, this would be it.

Britney schools him on how sexist and damaging his world view is and drops some Gloria Steinem, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and bell hooks quotes on him.

Actually, Britney doesn’t do that at all because this world is all wrong. Instead she says “Okay” and smiles. Sigh.

Back in the car, Maybe Murderer is in the driver’s seat and listening to macho music so he’s not randomly attacking the girls anymore. Yay?

Brit asks if he ever killed a man and he explains that no he actually helped out his stepsister and got locked up for six months for it. The characters nod sagely, contemplating our broken justice system.

Because this movie needs to make sure it embarrasses anyone associated with it for years to come, we find the gang on a random cliff where they — you guessed it! — yell into the abyss.

They decide to camp for the night, after asking Not a Murderer But Still Definitely a Piece of Sh*t if he has four sleeping bags. He smiles. Why on earth would he have four sleeping bags??

I guess he does because next thing you know it’s nighttime and they’re camping. Taryn teaches Zoe how to fight. Zoe has rollers in her hair.

Maybe Murderer asks Britney what she’s writing again, since she’s being all shy and valedictorian-like with a notebook by the campfire.  She says, “Poems mostly.” She recites the lyrics to “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.” Wordsworth is rolling in his grave with jealousy.

Taryn freaks out cause she got bitten on the butt by a snake while peeing. No, wait, it’s just a mosquito bite. WTF is this movie?

The next morning, they drop Britney off at the mansion that belongs to the mom who abandoned her when she was three. They all hug. They make a point to tell her that they’re not leaving town until tomorrow, which makes no sense seeing as they’ve been on a very efficiently timed road trip up until now and were clearly worried about getting to LA on schedule.

Anyway: Britney’s mom. An alternate universe Samantha Jones of Sex and the City opens the door, wearing an outfit ready for a safari, and is not having any of it. “I came to see you, mama?” “Now why would you do that, Lucy?” Geez! Cold-hearted!

She has pictures on the mantle of Britney’s half-brothers. Britney asks if they know who she is. Samantha makes a I’m-just-not-that-into-you face.

The rest of the interaction happens off-screen because the writers of this movie probably didn’t know how to write an emotionally gripping scene.

Britney shows up at her friends’ hotel room, wet from the rain cause rain equals emotion. She is super sad and sits on the bathroom floor. She later explains that her mom never wanted her, but that they do look alike and she has her eyes and hands (huh).

Maybe Murderer comforts her by ripping out a poem from her journal. She doesn’t seem mad about that, but she is probably internally screaming.

He takes her to a piano in the corner of a large and well-lit room, which every ramshackle hotel in Arizona apparently has, and plays her the music to her poem. Britney “sings.” It’s awful. They make out.

Britney decides to go to LA to make out some more.

Back in the car. Sheryl Crow singalong cause duh. The rule is that, every time anyone sings along to the radio in this movie, they must laugh like it’s the CRAZIEST thing anyone’s ever done.

“If It Makes You Happy” lasts the length of a montage, which takes them all the way to LA, which you know you are in when you see palm trees. Also, all road trips to LA culminate in Sheryl Crow songs. It’s part of a deal she has worked out with the travel bureau.

The gang goes to the beach and realizes that the Pacific Ocean is cold as f*ck.

They’re all suddenly in a horde of people who are gathered for more information about the weird open audition. Jesse Camp, that dude who won the VJ contest on MTV, hassles Zoe in the background.

Back at the hotel, Zoe calls Dylan to excitedly tell him she’s in LA to see him! He’s like “Ugh, not now” and she is still confused about a situation that her friends all explained to her very clearly weeks ago at prom.

Zoe wants to go sightseeing to distract herself from her sham engagement. Taryn is down, but Britney is “too tired,” which is code for “Imma lose my virginity today, y’all!”

In the car, Taryn finds out Zoe’s sightseeing adventure is actually just a drive over to Dylan’s house to force him to hang. Taryn freaks out with good reason (you’ll find out why in a sec).

Cut to Maybe Murderer dramatically taking off his tank top. He pins Britney against a window that overlooks crashing waves. His tribal tattoo is everywhere. The camera pans to the waves crashing against the shore and then a sunset. This movie was PG-13, remember.

Zoe forces Taryn to come up to Dylan’s front door with her. This is a really bad idea.  He’s hanging out with some other chick who resembles Vitamin C.

As if that’s not bad enough, he’s also Taryn’s rapist. Zoe realizes this when, in the midst of a cartoonishly buffoonish speech about how he didn’t think cheating on his fiancé was a big deal, the guy takes a swig of beer from a blue bottle. A BLUE BOTTLE.

Everyone who performs crimes while doing or wearing distinctively colored things always continues to do or wear those things for the rest of time. This is how you can spot them later. It’s called brand loyalty. It’s very helpful.

Taryn flees and falls down the stairs. Her globe keychain dramatically bounces down and down in slow motion. Is she losing her desire to see the world??

No. She does lose her baby though. “I would have been a good mom,” she tearfully tells Britney, who shows up kinda like “Sorry I wasn’t there, I was getting laid?’

This is all getting a little too real for Brit so she asks her dad to fly out from Georgia. He is there, at the hospital, within 20 minutes.

His first line: “Just what were you thinking running away…with a pregnant girl!” Again, why does everyone in the Crossroads universe deride procreation/women/women’s bodies so much??

His second concern: “How old is he anyway?” Glad he asked because we’re also confused about how old Maybe Murderer is. And where does he live and what is his deal and why does he hate women and how has he not killed a man with all of his rage issues?

Taryn is reading what all girls who’ve just lost a child read: Teen Magazine with Blink 182 on the cover.

All of the wishes attached to the trinkets in the buried box didn’t exactly pan out. Britney met her mom! But she was a sociopath. Taryn got to dip her toe in the ocean! But then had to engage with her rapist and lose her baby. Zoe was almost married! But her fiancé raped her best friend.

So what lesson is Crossroads trying to teach us? Life suuuuuucks. Also, you’re not having fun unless you’re singing along to the radio while giggling. Got it loud and clear.

One of the characters asks: “God, doesn’t it feel like we left home a million years ago?” Yes, it does. This movie is way longer than it has to be.

And keeps getting longer as Britney agrees to go back to Georgia, and the three girls all get into a car with Dan Aykroyd for the solemn trip home. After it’s gone half a block, she rethinks everything.

She stands up to her codependent dad, who just a second ago was like “you’re coming back to Georgia” but then sees that she really likes this random unexplained older dude with the creepy tats and kind of smiles in a resigned way while he watches make out. Her friends get out of the car to watch too. Not weird at all.

Ooh, it’s finally time for the auditions. With zero discussion or explanation, Maybe Murderer has put together a 12-piece band, complete with backup singers and professional lighting and sound for this “audition” that looks more like a performance at the Grammys. There are photographers snapping photos like she’s already famous and a panel of judges who all ever so slowly start grinning and looking at each other knowingly while she sings.

Brit is wearing jeans and a crop top with some seriously weird sleeves. This is definitely what all open auditions look like. But what is she singing, you ask? It’s her super bad poem put to music, of course!

Later that night, the girls bury yet another box. This time, it’s full of stuff they want to forget. They put it under approximately 3 inches of sand. It probably won’t take 8 years for that to be unearthed this time. They stomp on it and giggle.

The future is undecided. Britney will still probably wear that ugly-ass baby beach hat, but she had sex, at least! She might still go to college and be pre-med, like her dad wanted, but she might also get this record contract and stay in LA and instantly become famous and she’ll definitely never, ever flip out and shave her head and make bad marriage choices in Vegas because other people have been controlling her every move from the time she could walk. It remains to be seen, y’all. For now, she’s not a girl, not yet a woman.

America is nothing if not a joyfully gluttonous society. And while our nation’s greatest minds make valiant strides toward detaching our desire to binge on crap from the previously vexing constraints of time and place, certain foods are still tied inextricably to specific events.

For example: movie theater popcorn. Sure, you can make popcorn at home. Where but the movie theater, however, do you feel perfectly good about pressing a button and drenching your snack with a hot, chemical liquid that makes no claims to even remotely resemble butter, then absentmindedly shoving heaping, greasy fistfuls of the stuff into your face in public?

The good folks at Mental Floss, inquisitive fellows that they are, wanted to find out the origins of this Pavlovian response to setting foot inside a multiplex.

The result: In the latest episode of their Big Questions video series, host Craig Benzine reports that the pairing hasn’t been around that long at all. In the 18th century, popcorn was a common treat associated with the circus and other “lowbrow,” outdoor entertainment venues. Movies, on the other hand, were more akin to live theater, the province of middle- to upper-class patrons of the arts. It wasn’t until the Great Depression — when the movie industry at large benefited from Americans’ need for cheap, accessible distraction — that popcorn vendors were allowed indoors, as long as they paid the theater owners a daily fee.

Flash forward 80 years later, and you find that movie theaters (which are struggling, thanks to the rise of at-home streaming as well as costly digital conversion expenses) have come to rely on the buttery delight they previously shunned: According to Benzine, concessions currently account for 85 percent of theaters’ profits nationally, and 40 percent of their total revenue.

“That’s not surprising at all,” you’re probably saying, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand, if you’ve somehow come up for air during a rare break from cramming the salty, addictive food of the gods down your gullet. “This bucket cost $12.”

The more you know!

Every Oscar season, the focus falls on the top actor races, how many times Meryl Streep has been nominated, and what people might wear to the ceremony. Meanwhile, the award for best documentary of the year is often overlooked; the announcement often coincides with the time during the Oscar party when everyone lines up for the bathroom.

Why is this? Everyone is obsessed with depictions of “real” events through reality television, yet there is little to no interest in seeing real life through a stylized, well-researched, authentic lens. We’ve talked about the life-changing potential of documentaries before, and still bet that you will be able to find something that will touch you, challenge you, or transform you in this year’s Oscars shortlist. Check out the 15 contenders!

Amy

An homage to the life of the great Amy Winehouse. Warning: bring tissues.

Best of Enemies

A look back at the 10 acrimonious debates between conservative William F. Buckley Jr. and progressive Gore Vidal during the 1968 Democratic and Republican conventions.

Cartel Land 

The gripping story of vigilantes attempting to fight back against the drug cartels along the Mexico/U.S. border.

Going Clear

An expose on what it’s really like to be a Scientology member and what happens when you try to get out.

He Named Me Malala

The story of how Malala survived an assassination attempt by the Taliban to become a teenage activist and Nobel Peace Prize winner.

Heart of a Dog

A trippy journey through death, love and dreams with Laurie Anderson.

The Hunting Ground

An expose of the rape epidemic on college campuses, how the schools attempt to silence the victims, and how these women are beginning to seek justice.

Listen to Me Marlon

Marlon Brando’s story in his own words, culled from audio recordings that span his lifetime.

The Look of Silence

A companion piece to Joshua Oppenheimer’s The Act of Killing, this doc follows a man who confronts his brother’s murderers, who were culprits in Indonesia’s anti-Communist purge of 1965-1966.

Meru

The story of a team of climbers who face life-threatening injuries, avalanches and other dangers to be the first to climb Meru Peak in the Himalayas.

3 1/2 Minutes, 10 Bullets

A little over 3 minutes after 17-year-old Jordan Davis pulled into a gas station, 10 bullets were fired into his car by a middle-aged white man over loud music. This documentary takes a look at what happened that night and everything that unravelled afterwards.

We Come As Friends

South Sudan gained independence from North Sudan and its President Omar al-Bashir, but renewed colonialism threatens to stand in the way of a peaceful future.

What Happened, Miss Simone?

The story of Nina Simone’s epic rise, her political awakening and the pain that came with it all.

Where to Invade Next

A new one from Michael Moore, in which he comically “invades” foreign countries to get ideas on how Americans can better deal with social and economic issues.

Winter On Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom

As the name suggests, this is the story of how student protests led to a full-blown Ukrainian revolution in 2014.

Anybody else out there done with goddamn Star Wars? As a person who works in media, I can’t wait for this blip in our collective attention span to fizzle out. For the past year I’ve been inundated with clickbait content about a frickin’ movie, many of these so-called stories concentrated on mind-numbingly banal details that are barely even related to the film — be it the fact that Joseph Gordon-Levitt dressed as Yoda for the Hollywood premiere or that someone made video parodies that referenced the failed 1978 Star Wars special.

(Personally, my favorite stories have been those that ponder the question of what to do if Star Wars: The Force Awakens sucks. There’s even a helpful guide and a Facebook page for those planning to riot if this comes true*.)

Yes, we’re almost at the obsession’s peak — when everybody and their mom reviews it, be it on a blog or to a coworker in the staff kitchen — and freedom is on the horizon. But before we let it become a distant pop-culture memory, let’s take a moment to note that this deluge of media has had a bright spot, and its name is Gary Fisher.

No, not the mountain biking guy. I’m talking about Carrie Fisher’s dog, a black French bulldog with the face of an angel — a big, dumb, so sweet-you-want-to-eat-it angel.

Fisher’s return as Princess Leia appears to mean little to her, and she’s used the required press tour to showcase her quick wit and #IDGAF attitude. Though highlights like her smackdown of Mario Lopez have been fun, the crown jewels in this blitzkrieg of media dominance have been those times when she put little Gary next to her on stage — in his own seat, of course — and let loose that drunk-and-sassy-aunt mouth while the pup stared on, showing no sign of recognizing the television ambrosia being created around him.

Being that it’s the 21st century, these star-powered appearances on Good Morning America and Live with Kelly and Michael led to social media accounts being created for the dog almost instantly. Gary now has a Twitter page and an Instagram account. Yet the best image to come out of the massive waterfall of Star Wars diarrhea came from Carrie’s personal Twitter account, and it features her, her superstar companion, and her former slave master (no, not George Lucas).

*Yes, I know this is a joke page.